“Yeah good. Busy”. The standard answer when you ask someone how they are, and I will admit that I am guilty of often using this answer. I’ve read many articles that discuss that the overuse of this response stems from a badge of honour that people have associated with being busy.  I personally don’t believe this is the case. I do think we use this response because we are collectively busy but not in the way that we think. 

Recently I watched a conversation unfold before me with two acquaintances where one of the women asked the other a question that brought out quite a painful experience from the other woman.  Unfortunately, we were between hockey games, and it was time to get to the next game. It was impossible to share the depth, the trauma, and the journey that this story deserved. 

As I reflected on this interaction, I realised that so often, when we ask people how they are, we are not really in a space or time to really listen. In the supermarket, at the watercooler in the kitchen at work, at the school pickup or watching our child’s hockey game. I tend to think that the “Yeah good. Busy” response has generated from “This is not really the time or the place to go into how not good I am right now”. 

We all have stories and I think so many of us want to share these stories. We just need the space to do so. 

The woman who has lost a parent who painfully watches as each year her child grows older and she longs for her mum to experience the joy of her grandchildren.

The family who has experienced the devastating loss of a child.

The parents who are daily navigating the challenges that come with a neurodiverse child. 

The single mum who is fearful of what the future holds.

I often hear “Keep professional”, “Keep your personal life and work separate” - this is like asking someone to come to work without a limb. Each person is a product of their journey – both good and bad stories. We cannot ask people to leave those stories at the door. 

As a leader, walking around the office and asking your people “How are you?” will likely come with a response of “Good. Busy.” You will feel you have done your duty, have walked around, and shown your presence but this is no better than a supermarket conversation. It is not the right space or the right time to build relationships. People need a leader that cares, who is curious and who gives uninterrupted time one on one time to ask, “How are you really?”  Knowing someone’s journey doesn’t mean you can’t be candid with someone when you need to be. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. The more you show you care, the more honest you can be when you need to be.